My Thoughts

Finally Leaving Varanasi...

2011-03-17T02:58:00.000-07:00

After almost 15 years my dad is being transferred to a new place. And my family i.e. including me will have to shift from Varanasi. The charm which this place holds for me is immense. And mind you, it is nothing spiritual. In all these 15 years the thing which I have been least related to is spirituality and religion. Reasons remain unknown. But still the city leaves an impact...or should I say a forceful impact. and it is definitely not because of the 'holiness' of the city. Its more because of the peace...with which people live here. There may be darker sides unknown/known to us. But what remains important that I as an individual was able to find an identity for myself which is completely different from the notions people hold about persons from this city. So goodbye Varanasi....wont ever forget this place.

Evil..in me..

2010-06-27T03:05:00.000-07:00

Yes I think it is ego which makes everyone…FALL. Ok.. alrite... atleast me. So I may know even at the start of my conversation that I am blatantly and utterly wrong…but GOD DAMN! How can that other say that I am wrong. How can the other reason out things reasonably and make me feel like a fool. No I wont let this happen. I will fight back. I will put forward every baseless argument possible. I will show that I am weak. And the only way you can stop me from feeling so miserable is by considering what I am saying as correct. I will throw big tantrums. I will shout. I will scream. I will make everything hell.
Oh.. now I see you softening.. Now I see your despair… An evil smile….and I curve my lips.. now satisfied…on top of the world…feeling almost like a queen. Now I want to share my happiness with you…and I look by my side . But wait a second…you are not there. I search for you but all in despair.
I again shout out loud telling you to come back. I scream out crying… I am all alone….Oh I never felt this miserable. Its almost like I am on fire. Yes this fire is consuming me…and i..am staring at myself…caught in blazes…with a surprise tranquility on my face…I am being consumed…I am no more…

Terror...

2010-02-15T11:41:00.000-08:00

I think it is not about being strange and alien. Idea of terrorism and its impact on us is more because of the personal losses we suffer or we see others suffer in the various attacks. The whole issue is so complex and intricate that when saying that ‘we should and must find a solution’ never really helps us…rather brings us to a deadlock. So if ‘efforts’ by government, organisations etc are not helping us then what would anyways…
This issue about solution has prevailed for a long time so finding out the root cause and studying the background of terrorists and terrorism alike has also become an old practice offering no solution as such. But wait why am I even asking for solution?? Is it because of the fear of being killed randomly is greater than ever? Why do I think of these questions and solutions only after reading of some such attacks in the newspaper?? So do I call myself selfish in not being able to rise up the ‘my’self issue??
We mourn the dead. We pray for peace. We call for immediate prosecution of those guilty. Then time passes and we fall. May be what is left is a distant memory. This makes me think of the almost continuous and intense war going on in Afghanistan. Everyday…every moment of an afghan’s life is filled with fear. Or may be they have become used to it. But they cannot fall I think… There is no way they can fall. They are actually not allowed to fall.
We have to accept a few truths which we have been ignoring for a long time now, that there is no solution. And that yes…we are selfish. Only thing which does exist is understanding and sensitivity. I think I am talking about education but now more concentrated. Education in terms of gaining a spiritual balance, so that we are able to understand the whys…of everything. The full picture of the whole issue must be made clear…or may be it is clear…. Its just us who are ignoring it as till now we are not affected with personal losses as such. Sensitising the common man is the most important step. Or may be these steps are too slow to show their impact on the society. So rather than asking any authority of making people vigilant, spreading education, prosecuting the guilty etc. I think I should be asking myself to be aware of the issues present. This would be anyways difficult as I know I am selfish. I pray to God that I be able to justly see and understand these issues without becoming judgemental. I know I am almost asking for an ascetic thinking…but its high time I start thinking of such issues…even if this is fear driven…even though I may not be the one who sees and actualises the benefits.

New Year

2010-01-04T07:04:00.000-08:00

I don’t travel much rather I avoid it. One of the reasons I force myself to go to places…is FOOD :P
I am definitely a foodie and that too without any regret. I decided to enter the new year exploring a few eateries. The best new year I have had…not exactly…but still one of the better ones. After a boring start to the last day of 2009 with going for 3 idiots yet again I, Neha and Ankur went on our little ‘food’ expedition. We first went to Bercos in CP. Prior to this visit there I had already heard about it from my mom who used to frequent it during her college days. ‘Frequent’…well this was the word why I wanted to go there.
Verdict : Ambience, décor quite apt. Food…the best chinese I have tasted till date. Bill…the most I gave for having just the starters :P ( eventhough very filling )
After eating we roamed about in CP…hmm…rather deserted CP. No traffic at all…no lights at all in a few blocks. A few blocks illuminated by the newly installed lights as a part of renovation. Rest of CP…almost ‘under’renovation. 31st night was a pretty cold one but still I managed to enjoy walking and feeling the cold ‘wave’. There were a few other families (and others :P ) roaming just like us. I was actually surprised to see a quieter CP. We then passed through Kaventers. Now I was full and couldn’t have managed eating or drinking anything else. But how can I miss this one. I did not :P .
We went for a butterscotch milk shake from Kaventers. And yes…it was worth every penny…and a little discomfort :|.
We went a’round’ CP and came back from what was a very different and satisfying experience CP offered this time.

Atheist

2009-12-15T09:43:00.000-08:00

I have written this line before once…spoken a little more and thought…like a thousand times…
I am a difficult believer…very difficult infact.
It’s not because of the too obvious reasons…rather more because of the insignificant ones…
Yet questioning you God is tough especially if I am questioning your existence altogether.
I question sometimes the ethics you created …and some which you didn’t.
I question sometimes the immorality…and sometimes even morality.
I question sometimes the wrong and sometimes even the right.
I question sometimes the injustice and sometimes the justice.
I question sometimes the sadness and yes even the happiness.
I question sometimes why there are wars but then I question peace too.
I question the evil present and the good too.
I question all this to me…and to you too GOD.
But then I just said…I am a difficult believer not an atheist because I believe in something or the other…all…created by you GOD…

Three Reasons :P

2009-12-15T09:17:00.000-08:00

‘Rani…’ and I woke up with a start. It was pitch black. I got up confused and switched on the lights. My mom was sleeping peacefully. I realised what I had just dreamed about…and I started laughing. My mom woke up startled and looked at me and then on the wall clock. It was 2 a.m. . She again looked at me with an odd expression. ‘Sorry ’, and I hurried back to switch off the light.
Once I was on my bed well tucked in my quilt I again thought about the dream. And I suppressed my laugh. So I already started having nightmares :P.
I don’t know what exactly the dream was. I just remember that it had the great Prof. Amar in it.
Now...I actually don’t know what sort of an aura (ah…maybe) does he hold. I won’t say that I am very excited to be taught by him mainly because I hate spotlight for the wrong reason.
But still then I managed to list three reasons on why it might be ‘fun’ to be taught by him
1.We will learn our chemical engineering… (maybe...finally :P) and will know what we will do (or not do) in our technical interviews
2.The title ‘rani’ is just round the corner…you just don’t have to do anything…hmm…right :P
3.And because he definitely is a (‘disco’ …(wait did I just say that…no :P) ) star

Answers..to...everything???

2009-12-09T10:04:00.000-08:00

Disclaimer : I am writing this after reading a post on my friend’s blog. So if anyone finds any similarity or dissimilarity ( :P )…bear with me… :)
Sometimes I imagine myself on the edge of a cliff. Wind blowing trying its level best to make me…loose my balance…But I am firm…
Time passes on and I hear a voice…I think I was waiting for this…I eagerly hear…A realisation dawns…
Tears well up in my eyes…
It’s a question to be answered…I still have those tears…but I smile…I answer…and I fall…fall down…down…but with a peace… and it is then I realise… my strength…
I agree there are times when you are actually playing with words while answering…maybe sometimes to even yourself…its very human…
But then there are moments when you know just the answer…but still cannot speak up…
This does bring in a lot of confusion…but who can help it??
Nothing is simple in this world…we have come with our own flaws…I with mine…
And eventhough I may be on a constant strive to put things right…somewhere down the lane…I know…that there is an acceptance inside me…about the flaws I have.
I may or may not have answers…I am no one to answer this one…
What I know is that I should give some thought to ‘my’self too.
It is not about being selfish but about being selfless to everyone around because you know what…everyone matters…your family, friends…and yes you…
So if this is such a simple truth then why am I all tangled up?? Infact why are we all so confused about answers?? Why not just answer taking all the above into consideration and be done with it…
Because…nothing is as easy as it seems or sounds…neither thinking about everyone and answering….nor playing with words…

Sunshine

2009-12-06T12:05:00.000-08:00

Complications….why are there so many of them…
The other day a friend of mine said he doesn’t understand my complicated posts much…Now I really don’t know how to answer that one…
I am actually very poor at vocab…and I thought complicated English cannot come from me…but then…I guess it’s the thought….i have buried inside me…which are complicated….
So why in the first place I keep them…why at all a need…I don’t know again whether anyone would understand…but its not in my hands…
I have actually stopped caring…about things…because now…all this seems very trivial…
You actually should know how to be happy…though that’s one tough thing to do…
I heard a song….’pocket full of sunshine….take me away…’
Sweet and very beautiful….i realised a few things….while listening to it….
Sometimes materialism doesn’t matter to you at all…you just feel elated by the simplest things nature has…as simple as a butterfly flying…
And how you wish…to be like it…happy and carefree…
But then if there is nothing at all…then what am I caring about …
I am caring about the faith….i have….faith….i want to show….may be that is why I turn to god…because I am a difficult believer…its only in these moments I realise…the importance of you god…
I know you are there….up there….shining your pocket full of sunshine on me….and yes…its in these moments of realisation…that I do feel….taken up…to a level…where there is only happiness…and there is only me to think about....

Purani Dilli

2009-12-05T23:43:00.000-08:00

I think I never saw Delhi as I did after these majors… I have been before to Purani Dilli but always with a ‘What a tacky place!’ attitude. This time round roaming in those lanes of Chandni Chowk…trying to grab and capture each and every scene…was actually…peaceful…spiritual…
I guess someday I would like to go alone… This would be the best therapy ever to stay happy and calm… Purani Dilli doesn’t hold your attention because its different…it actually held my attention because its so very much like the environment in which we live in and still so very peaceful… I know its confusing… let me try to explain.
For the past 2 years I have been in a part of Delhi where speed matters…in literally everything…
You will actually fall very hard if you are not able to cope up with the pressure…speed…stress…it simply keeps on building up without you even realising it… Right from crossing the road to trying to stay ahead in academics…you have to be fast…or else you are dead…literally…
Now come Purani Dilli…You move fast…trying to stay ahead…trying to avoid hitting anyone…trying to capture the tiny details…and still managing …to smile…
You look up…and you see houses well qualified to be called heritage…you look around and you get fascinated by the different kind of works on display…You stop to eat at the paranthe wali gali and you realise what actually rich food is…You stop to drink lassi…and you realise how very captivating a curd drink can be…
You stop and look around…and you see colours…brightest ever…all smiling,welcoming…pushing you forward to explore more…more and even more…and you know what you actually stay ahead…in your own way….

Change...

2009-12-05T23:19:00.000-08:00

When there is a change, there is always turbulence…. I don’t really know how many would understand this though I guess many would rather underestimate this. I realised it…the hard way round. Its so very natural to nature and we are a part of it…and hence the pain…
Stability is what we all strive for never once realising that this is something we will never be able to achieve…
I don’t know how good or bad it is to be philosophical… but at this point of time… i have stopped thinking…
There is confusion everywhere and I want this to clear up….or atleast I want to know where am I headed…
Many would rather laugh at what is being written…never again realising the simple truth it holds…
I hope to do good…atleast for those who have brought me up… there are times when ‘others’ say that I should hope or rather do good for ‘myself’. But you know what…it’s the most satisfying feeling you get when you hope to do good…do good…for others… I guess there is certain amount of selflessness hidden in this…
The phase of life which has just passed…will never fade… It will remain very much inside me…as though a guide…all through my life…as crèches...support…
I hope that this too... changes....

Hard...

2009-07-14T10:51:00.000-07:00

This took me bit of a while writing…thinking rather. I got a few comments on my blog. I mean really few. But I appreciate that people took out time to even read that stuff. One of them was ‘its hard to keep up a blog’. I definitely agree with this. But it made me think on a larger question which needs to be addressed (gosh this is such a boring line… but anyways I am not the one who is reading it :P )
So what exactly are the things which I consider hard..hmmmm…
Maintaining a blog… no doubts here… specially when you are not sure whether people are even reading it or not.
Getting up early in the morning… such a headache
Or sleeping early in the night for that matter
Attending classes at 8 in the morning (torture)
Trying not to doze off in the class
Trying to cut out the noise (read prof’s voice) so that I can read the newspaper and maybe solve a crossword (more constructive :))
Trying to study when you know there are so much better things to do
Finishing a report a few minutes before/after the deadline
Eating the worst food of my life in the hostel’s mess (disastrous)
Resisting the temptation to have a frappe every time a cross nesci (which is no more :( )
Sneaking out of the hostel without your seniors watching ( for the fear of being caught for their stupid chores… uugghh… I hate them so much)
Asking a boy anything (well over my comfort zone :P )
Trying not to think too much…
And the list goes on… forever…
But do I really consider all this hard… maybe not…And do I really CARE…

Ending....

2009-07-10T09:19:00.000-07:00

I never realized that ending can be so abrupt …not until I saw it myself… it was my Granny….
That day…. was so… surreal, odd.. I saw my mother crying uncontrollably. Everyone came and sympathized… I wanted to cry too… maybe to show that I am feeling sad… I was feeling sad…
But somehow tears…they were hard to come… I was in shock actually…
Terrible shock… I wasn’t prepared at all for anything like this…. I never thought that this could happen to us… it always happened to people who were very old… never realizing… how old my granny had become…
Our home… Didn’t even look like ours… I felt like standing in the middle of the room… afraid… if I go close to the walls… I would be consumed…
I loved her with all my might… all the intensity… I used to love going to her place during our summer vacation… it was always a treat… listening to her telling us stories…or just playing with her ….
She always inspired me… she was a doctor. But she never wanted me to become one.. and this was a welcome change… as somehow my parents too thought I would be a better doctor…
It was me who gave her the last glass of water…
I was never asked how I felt about this… and neither did I speak up… for the fear of hurting others..
I miss her so much….

A Dig... ;)

2009-07-10T09:08:00.000-07:00

I am not a travel freak but I don’t mind it either. I have been abroad before but when you see those intern (read abroad) pics….uugghh…Damn it. I should have taken it more seriously. But anyways…. No hard feelings against those who went ( but I m still sulking.. )
So what did it take you guys to get an intern abroad…hmm.. a few thousand apps ( maybe..) .. a few night outs… Worth it, worth it….
So first of all Congratulations to you all…
Have you ever heard of heartburns because some have a hot spouse and some don’t …of course you have….
And have you heard of heartburns because some got an intern abroad and some ( read I ) didn’t …of course you have again…
So amidst all this sulking lets see what did I do in these holidays…Hmmmm… sleeping at 2 in the night…getting up at 10…being pampered by my mom like anything…eating just about everything on my wish list… sleeping at odd times…. chatting and Oops! I forgot occasional work on my project report.
Am I still sulking???…I don’t know actually…
Its hard to erase pictures of some smiling faces literally spoiling the beautiful scenery (sorry I had to write this.. please don’t ask for ANY explanations… ( no offence meant please) )
So are you people enjoying….ofcourse you are, why am I even asking this..… But then lets look at this…am I enjoying myself?
And I small voice inside me says…. yes… I am…. and that is what… is important…So why this dig at all…well…coz maybe sometimes…its just so liberating…to vent out your frustration for no reason… :)

A Beginning...

2009-07-07T11:50:00.000-07:00

A strange idea came to me – I thought a few days back that why not start a blog of my own. I mean, c’mon every single person seems to write it ( no offence meant… :P ). But things are generally very slow for me to accept. Maybe because I think too much ( which is not that bad a habit J ). So it took me several days of pondering and several (literally) gtalk status messages for me to actually start even thinking about writing…again..
Caution : I am not writing to please or offend any one…I am just writing…
But there is one more ( and maybe more attractive ) reason I am writing or to put it in better words being persuaded to write. I read in some newspaper about professional bloggers. Well the idea stuck me as very cool. I had this passion for writing but I never really harnessed it nor did I put any efforts. While preparing for JEE I actually STOPPED writing altogether. In fact I was so apprehensive about writing again that even after making it to IITD (my dream J ) and becoming a BSP representative of my hostel I actually didn’t write anything substantial. So am I writing anyways??? Is it because of the Chetan Bhagat phenomenon ( by the way … I didn’t like the novel..) or the professional bloggers thing ( actually I was thinking how much of Amitab Bacchan’s blog is actually written by him or for that matter of any celebrity ) or is it because of so many gtalk status messages ( See I m thinking again .. sigh )
Whatever it may be… I think if I pen down a few of my thoughts it wont do (me ) any harm :P… and I m definitely open to critics (hmm.. maybe)
Seriously I don’t think how I managed to write such boring stuff. I envy those who can write simply captivating stuff. I have read a lot and have read a variety of books. Sometimes its so difficult to understand how can anyone write such complicated high-in-vocabulary sentences ( read any of the Salman Rushdie’s if you don’t agree with me on this). Sometimes I feel so good to be not the one who write them but ti read and comment on them…its so much more easier.Let’s wait and watch how much of my writing is accepted (or not accepted rather :P ) and how much I even continue with this. By the way Vikram Seth got a whooping 14 corers for his next novel ‘A Suitable Girl’. Amazing how people get paid… for nothing but writing… It raises a lot of hope you know :P :P ;)